Thats me in the corner, that's me in the spot light

I am living a lie.  While I find it natural to lie to myself, I find myself lying to God.  I have had the honor to be a part of a religious community for the past five years.  I have felt that God has shown me this path, and on good days, I know that this path is right.  I am a Franciscan Friar.  I follow the teachings of Jesus Christ by the guidance of Brother Francis of Assisi.  I have dedicated my life to the vows of poverty, chastity, and obedience, and follow the teachings of Brother Francis that God is love, and this love needs to be shared with the world.

I lie to myself that I can do this.  How can I spread the love of God if I don't feel worthy enough to accept it myself?  How do I bring joy to the world when I do not feel this joy?  There are days when I can truly feel this love and experience this joy, and on those days I am able to share these freely to the world.  On other days, I lie, and pretend I feel these things, though I am not worthy enough to receive them.  On an intellectual level, I know that the love of God is there and any good works that I do are in Their glory.  On bad days, I am a usurper only in pursuit of personal glory and self satisfaction.

I am also lying in another way.  In the mail today I received a wonderful gift from one of my Brothers, which included pamphlets promoting our order.  I was reading through it just now and one word jumped off the page and began to burrow into my brain.  Men.  "We are men..".  I am part of a Fraternity of Brothers who have dedicated themselves to God.  But I am not a man.  Emotionally, spiritually, mentally, I am not male.  I spent my life trying, because I thought that I could only be male.  When I discovered that I wasn't, I realized that being apart of a Brotherhood was a fallacy, because I couldn't be male, no matter how hard I tried.

The Order has been amazing, and in a very real way, lifesaving.  They have been supportive, understanding, and so loving.  I even met the keeper of my heart through the order.  But I keep coming back to the fact that I am lying to belong, "we are men...".  But I am not a man.  I am forcing them to lie about this as well.

I keep coming back to the fact that God has shown me this path and asked me to journey down it, and it would be arrogant of me to ignore Their desire.  But this is is in conflict with the idea that God would like me to die.  A war wages inside my mind, each side holding firm.  I stand in the middle, wondering if I am losing my religion, and wondering which side will ultimately win.  I have prayed that one day, this would be resolved and I would finally be able to express God's love to the world, free of any trace of dishonestly.  But that was just a dream.  God bless