My heart belongs to another. It came as a surprise when he accepted it. I always figured my heart was too damaged, too broken, too dark, for anyone to want it. I have wished I could find someone who was kind, understanding, and loving, but I always doubted that it was possible. I am not a good person. I am selfish and I only think of myself. Love was out of reach for me. When I look in the mirror, what I see disgusts me. My outside is as ugly as my inside. And thinking that someone could love such a deformed creature seemed like a ridicules idea. So when I realized that someone had the same feelings that I did, I was in shock.
We never meant for it to happen, and it came gradually. We were friends for a while, and I slowly realized that my heart was no longer my own. When I found out he had the same feelings, I was floored. I couldn't understand why. Why would someone be interested in me? How could he see through all this crap which surrounds me? What could he see within the darkness? To be honest, I still feel this confusion.
But what is real and what is not? Are my feelings valid, or are they a symptom of my depression? Part of the reason i am writing this, my non-existent reader, is to help me figure this out. Intellectually, I know that I have no self-esteem, and that my depression causes much of these thoughts. Emotionally, however, I truly feel and see the blackness of my soul, with the only light coming through the thousand tiny holes.
He is the reason that I am trying to hang on. I feel that the only reason I haven't done anything is because I don't want him to feel any pain. And I know how selfish this is. I am hanging my life around his neck in such an unfair way, forcing him to not only carry part of my burden, but also support me whenever I may need to be supported. I am a terrible person for putting him through this, and while I am aware of this, I cannot help myself. I am too weak to do this on my own, so I force others to accompany me on this journey. I use the excuse that I love him, but is this love? Is forcing my mental illness on another made better because I say that he has my heart? Would it be better if I were alone?
Which pain is worse, the pain I am inflicting currently, or the pain that might come with my absence? This question seems to be percolating in my brain more and more. I love him with all of my heart and soul, but is my love toxic? I just don't know. But until I figure this out, I will still love him. And he will continue to be the keeper of my heart. God bless
I don't think I can attach photos here, so I'll have to ask you to think of those cardboard boxes at WalMart-- th ones that hold cheap, modular furniture and have a silouette of two crouching figures on it, facing each other across a large rectangle; the caption says "TEAM LIFT."
ReplyDeleteOur dear and nameless friend, Th' Ancient Mariner may have had a deceased bird tied 'round his neck, but he had lots of other problems that work well in 1834 poetry, but is pointless to carry around in th' light of day in modern ages. Yours is no burden, my darling, no dead thing that weighs me down; it is something I freely choose to help you to lift. That's th' way love works...!!