Support in name only

I love my family, I truly do.  I know that they love me as well.  But there are certain barriers that separate us, and it seems that my sexuality and gender fall into this category.

When I first came out, like many, I was terrified.  I didn't know how they would react.  I was pretty sure that they would be excepting, that I was scared for nothing.  But I was still worried.  I was sure they would except me as gay, my Mom having asked me numerous times in the past, "are you sure you're not gay?", but the gender thing was a different story.  I have heard my family talk about Transgender people before, and their pereception never seemed to be a positive one.  So when I was ready to tell them who I was, I felt afraid.

Looking back on the experience, the thing that surprised me the most was the anger.  They seemed offended that I was afraid to tell them who I really was.  I tried to explain to them that coming out is not an easy thing to do, especially after spending 33 years in the closet.  They said they didn't care who I was and that they would love me regardless.  But there came an unspoken caveat.

Being gay was fine, but expressing myself as gay was not.  As well, because they didn't understand what being Genderfluid meant, it became taboo, and could not be discussed.  My coming out was quickly labeled "my pronouncement," and I was deemed inconsiderate for not thinking about other people's feelings and how my coming out could effect them.  We are now in a "don't as, don't tell", stalemate, and I feel like I am slowly dying on the inside.

I find myself "butching my self up", so as not to make anyone feel uncomfortable.  I try to lower the tone of my voice, to a more masculine level, and every time I do, a thousand more needles poke through my soul.  I love talking in my higher register, I think I sound right.  But I don't sound male, and that is what I need to be.  Male.  I am back in the closet, and not by choice.  I thought I had kicked the damn door down, but my family decided that the door needed to go back up.

What is worse are the little things.  Getting a weird look when I agree with my Mom that a guy looks cute.  Being misgendered by my brother, and not being able to correct him.  The worst one was when my boyfriend was coming into town.  We were gathered around the Sunday dinner table, and I casually asked my family if they would like to meet him.  They all hesitated, some said maybe, others didn't answer.  I was told, however, that my nephew would not be meeting him because, "they were not ready to tell him about us and that it was inappropriate."

I could be over reacting, that it was more because it was a long distant experience relationship.  But I wonder.  Intellectually they seem to want to support me, but emotionally they are not ready to offer this support.  So right now, my family supports me... in name only.  God bless