Sunday, July 16, 2017

Family dinner

I am exhausted.  I am physicaally worn down.  My entire body hurts, and I feel like I am walking through quick sand.  The reason is I just finished dinner with my family.

When I am with my family, I have to change every aspect of who I am.  I cannot talk in the register that is comfortable, so I drop my voice a few octaves.  I can't hold myself in the way that I want.  I must keep my hands down, and make sure I am moving in an appropriate "male" manor.  I need to watch every single word I say.  No matter what, I do not talk about my boyfriend, I don't talk about my gender.  I make as little noise as possible, but still keep in the conversation so I don't seem rude.

I need to watch everything that I do, watch what I say, just so I don't rock the boat.  I have to change almost every aspect of who I am, just so I can conform with their expectations.  When you first come out, people tell you not to push who you are on other people, to make sure that they are comfortable during the process.  What they don't tell you is that it hurts to do this.  It is physically painful not being your true self for the comfort of others.

I find that ironic.  When gay people come out, people seem to demand that their feelings be respected, but those who come out, their feelings don't mean a damn.  In many real aspects, coming out, excepting who you are, is a life saving event.  For myself, I wanted to scream it to the world, to celebrate that I finally knew who I was.  But when I began to tell family, their feelings were important, only their feelings.  It didn't matter that this was literally stopping me from dying, it mattered that their feelings were heard, and their feelings were respected.

I am not sure if this is a universal aspect of coming out.  Maybe it was just my experience.  I hope it was just my experience.  I just know that I am tired of being who other people want me to be.  I just want to be me.  God bless

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