Sunday, July 16, 2017

My dream

I am a stranger in my own body.  My entire life, I have felt like I was wearing an ill-fitting piece of clothing.  I'm reminded of the movie Men in Black, and the alien wearing the "Edgar suit."  I am wearing a Kris suit, and it feels wrong.  I had written earlier that I would rather be a cis male, just because it seems easier.  But in my heart, I am a woman.

If someone came to me with the option to change my sex with just a snap of their fingers, I would not hesitate.  I would give anything for this to happen, there have been many times that I prayed for it.  Please God, make my outside match my inside.

Being fluid helps to lessen these feelings, but they are always there.  Even when I don't feel female, I would still give everything, anything, to become a woman.  It helps my Dysphoria, as the longing is always there, but the intense need to change is not.  But there are days that it becomes bad.  Days when I am not sure whether I am crying for What I am, or crying for Who I am and can't be.

I'm hoping therapy will help, and I hope to discuss gender issues in our next session.  But at this point, there is not much I can do to help relieve some of this tension.  One day, I hope to be in a position where I can express who I am, without fear of retaliation.  This may sound cheesy, but the first thing I dream of doing when this time comes is dyeing my hair maroon, and getting a more feminine cut.  So simple, yet out of my reach... for now.  Someday soon I will do this, and gradually do more, so that my outside will finally match my inside.  Today, I hope that some day I can start taking HRT, and maybe even transition.  Tomorrow, I might not feel the same way.  And even if I do, I might not be able to because of my health.  But today, I dream.  And tomorrow can bring anything.  God bless

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