For 33 years, I tried to be a man. I have a penis, so in my mind that meant I had to be male. A lot of this came from my Granfather. To him, I didn't have worth unless I was participating in traditional male activities. And that meant sports. So in Junior High, I started to play football. I had worth. I was learning to become a man. I was never any good, but I was big, and that helped me play more. The more I played, the more he would show me that I had worth.
A football team is a very testosterone fueled, manly place to be. Gender norms were aggressively enforced, and any deviation from this, you were deemed a "faggot" and were scorned until you were able to demonstrate your manly prowess. So any sign of femininity was squashed inside me. I was in a show choir outside of school, and I made sure I never talked about that aspect of my life. I made sure to always act male when I was around any of my team mates. I even had a girlfriend. I am smiling to myself about that. When we were dating, my girlfriend got rather aggravated that I never tried to suduce her, or try to explore her in any way. It never occurred to me that I should, and frankly I wasn't that interested.
While I have admitted to what I was not, I am still trying to figure out what I am. As I was growing up, I felt like I was missing an identity because I was trying to be what I wasn't. Now, I am trying to find out who I am, and the lack of an identity persists. I am wondering whether I would have been ready to face being Trans earlier in life, and I am thinking no.
I have fought who I am for so long, that I wasn't able to fully accept who I am sooner than now. A lot of this is from my Franciscan education. I have been working with the idea that God loves me so I must love me. I credit my Order for this. Their compassion, understanding, and support has been lifesaving. So to my Order, thank you, I love you all. God bless
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