Sunday, July 16, 2017

Trying, and failing, to be male

For 33 years, I tried to be a man.  I have a penis, so in my mind that meant I had to be male.  A lot of this came from my Granfather.  To him, I didn't have worth unless I was participating in traditional male activities.  And that meant sports.  So in Junior High, I started to play football.  I had worth.  I was learning to become a man.  I was never any good, but I was big, and that helped me play more.  The more I played, the more he would show me that I had worth.

A football team is a very testosterone fueled, manly place to be.  Gender norms were aggressively enforced, and any deviation from this, you were deemed a "faggot" and were scorned until you were able to demonstrate your manly prowess.  So any sign of femininity was squashed inside me.  I was in a show choir outside of school, and I made sure I never talked about that aspect of my life.  I made sure to always act male when I was around any of my team mates.  I even had a girlfriend.  I am smiling to myself about that.  When we were dating, my girlfriend got rather aggravated that I never tried to suduce her, or try to explore her in any way.  It  never occurred to me that I should, and frankly I wasn't that interested.

While I have admitted to what I was not, I am still trying to figure out what I am.  As I was growing up, I felt like I was missing an identity because I was trying to be what I wasn't.  Now, I am trying to find out who I am, and the lack of an identity persists.  I am wondering whether I would have been ready to face being Trans earlier in life, and I am thinking no.

I have fought who I am for so long, that I wasn't able to fully accept who I am sooner than now.  A lot of this is from my Franciscan education.  I have been working with the idea that God loves me so I must love me.  I credit my Order for this.  Their compassion, understanding, and support has been lifesaving.  So to my Order, thank you, I love you all.  God bless

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