Saturday, July 15, 2017

Walking in a mine field

 My defenses are always up.  I am always on my guard.  I am the prey.  One slight step, one wrong move.  Boom.

I must make sure that my attitude is correct.  I must always show a happy face.  I make sure that I never complaine, or state that I am sad because if I do... boom.

I push my feelings down.  I shove my feelings deep inside me.  I have buried them so deep, I don't know what is real and what is imaginary.  I can never express myself to them.  The second I try to talk, I know I am wrong.  My brain stops me, unable to overcome the idea that, no matter what, my feelings are wrong.  So my brain won't let me explain how I feel.  I try anyway.  Boom

I am scared.  I am always scared.  I know I will screw up, I know I will do something wrong.  It's funny, I am 6'2" tall, 285 lbs, and I am still scared.  Scared of saying the wrong thing.  Scared of doing something wrong.  Cleaning is the worst.  I do not clean well, I am too lazy.  Even when I try my hardest, it is not enough.  Some days they don't care.  Other days... boom.

I am told that I am a burden.  I know I am a burden.  My very existence costs them money.  They cannot afford to keep me.  They shouldn't be forced to keep me.  But I am forcing them to support me.  I am selfish.  When I make them angry, this is brought up.  Boom.

So I spend my life navigating a mine field, knowing that, no matter what, I will cause an explosion.  People say it's not my fault, but isn't it?  How can I not take the blame.  It is my selfishness, my laziness, my darkness, that is the cause.  I am the cause.  So I walk on

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