Saturday, July 15, 2017

I need to offer an apology

I have just returned from having dinner with them.  They were kind.  They were loving.  And I realize how terrible I am being.  Everything that is happening is my fault.  All of it is my fault.  Yet I ignore this fact and push my way down the path of selfishness, ignoring all of the pain that I am causing.  

I am not sure why I am surprised by this.  If I cleaned the way they wanted, they wouldn't get frustrated and do it themselves.  If I wasn't sick, they wouldn't have to support me.  If I wasn't in the hospital, they wouldn't have to spend money to see me, and they would be able to get the stuff done that they need to get done.  If I was always happy, and never angry, they wouldn't feel attacked.

Is there any doubt now as to why I should be dead?  Is there any doubt now that the world would be better off without me?  This is just one person!  This is just one in my orbit, an orbit that just spreads misery and pain.

I offer an apology to them.  I am sorry for all that I put you through

I offer an apology to all.  Everyone I have 

The rational side of my brain is screaming at me that this is a bad day, and to stop.  It is starting to win out, writing has helped.  I am tempted to erase what I have written, but I am not going to.  It is proof to myself that typeing out my feelings helps to quiet down my demons.  Abuse abuse abuse, my montra for tonight.  Above is not rational thinking, but my chemically imbalanced mind.

It has been a bad day, I won't lie.  I am still sad, but the hate is fading... slowly.  I realize that I am always sad.  Even when I feel happy, there is still a slight sting of sadness learking underneath.

Thank you for listening.  God bless 

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