Monday, July 17, 2017

Trapped in hell

I fear my depression is getting worse.  It seems like every day, I am trying to stop myself crying.  I am dreaming of dying more often.  Pain keeps hitting me, wave after wave after wave.  My energy is drained just thinking about it.

I am back in a closet, huddled in the dark. I had thought that I had broke the door down, I thought that I had finally escaped.  But I am back in.  I am back in so as to make others feel better, to ensure that their feelings are respected.  It doesn't matter that it hurts.  It doesn't matter that it's killing me.  I hide my true self, forcing who I am down down down inside me, to make others happy.

So I remain trapped, trapped in a shell that others have created for me.  A shell of expectations, a shell of perceived normality.  The shell is too small, and I feel myself suffocating, yet I am unsure what I can do.  I know what I need to do, but I don't know where to start, or how.  Escape seems impossible, yet I know that I must.  I must escape.  Or I will die.

To be honest, either outcome seems equally preferable.  No matter what happens, the pain will stop.  Until then, I will live in hell, a hell created for me by people whose feelings must be protected, must be validated.  Each day I feel another chip at my soul, slowly breaking away.  I will escape from the closet some day one way or the other, but I wonder, will anything be left of my soul?  God bless  

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