Wednesday, July 12, 2017

Fighting the dragon

I was driving to church when it hit me.  I was about half way there, when I suddenly knew I couldn't be out in public.  My heart began to beat faster, and I started to need deeper breaths.  A molten cannon ball began to form in my stomach, and I felt like I was going to panic.  My skin felt... wrong, like I was wearing a costum that, even though I wanted to get out of it, I couldn't.  I wanted to scratch my own skin off.  The worst, though, was knowing that people would know.  The moment I stepped foot outside my car, people would stare, and realize that I was an imposter.  They would know that I was wrong, that I wasn't what I said I was.

This is how I experience social Dysphoria.  Dysphoria is a fun psychological disorder that those who are Transgender can experience.  It occurs when our internal self doesn't match what is presented to the world, and our brains cannot handle the stress and discomfort.  As in this instance, Dysphoria can occur when we are in social situations, and when presenting ourselves to the world.  For me, Social Dysphoria is normally not as bad as Physical Dysphoria, in that I have never wanted to cut my penis off when I am experienceing Social Dysphoria.

Whether I am experience social, or physical Dysphoria, I normally end up crying.  Today was a good day, I just panicked, I didn't cry.  For those who can, Transitioning to the opposite sex can help relieve some of these symptoms.  Because I am Fluid, I am not sure if I ever would want to Transition, as well, my health issues complicate things.  Because of this I have a reoccurring, and horrifying, question repairing in my mind.  Will I ever stop being Dysphoric?  Some of my depression issues come from my gender issues, and if I will never escape these feelings, can I survive?  Or will this continue to wear me down, until I do the inevitable?  Is happiness, true contentment, forever out of my reach?

I have no answers for these questions, nor am I sure if I will ever be able to find any.  It is a possibility that I will be battling this dragon for the rest of my life, and I wonder how long I can continue until I finally succumb to this beast.  Until that time, I shall continue to pick up my sword, and brace myself to the next oncoming fiery assault.  God bless

1 comment:

  1. I'm immediately put in mind of Sir Pellinore and Th' Questing Beast from Arthurian legend... That's probably not th' best metaphor to use, but I think what I'm trying to say (or perhaps my subconscious is trying to say), is that in th' fullness of time there may be an opportunity for you and your dragon to merge somewhat and achieve a kind of Jungian Shadow integration...

    Stand tall, sharpen your blade, be brave. I believe in you!

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It's 12:43

its 12:43 am and I am not asleep. my brain is fuzzy, yet I'm awake my brain is talking, wondering, dreaming who am I who am I who ...