Who I am

Today, I am she, and these are my best days.  When I am she, I feel comfortable, I feel relaxed, and, most important, I feel RIGHT.  When I am she, I know in my heart, this is who I am meant to be, how I am meant to feel.

Most of my time, I stay around the female spectrum, whether as a Demi-girl (which is in between neutral and female, feminine, but not fully she) or fully she.  When I am fully she, I see the world in a different light.  Colors are brighter, music sounds sweeter, love becomes deeper.  I should say that I am not exaggerating this, nor am I being hyperbolic, but I can see and feel a deeper connection with everything around me.  I will use music as an example.  I love music, I consider myself a singer, and listening to certain songs can become transcendent.  But when I am she, these same songs feel like they are reverberating in my soul, that the experience becomes more intense, more personal.

On days that I am not she, and especially when I am deep in a tunnel, I question this, and wonder if this is a sign of manic depression.  I fear my mental illness goes deeper than I am willing to admit.  But most days, however, I think that when I am she, my brain is able to clear, and, if it wasn't for my depression and fluidness, I would feel this way all the time.  I wonder if everything seems better and brighter because I am finally who I am meant to be?

This is a question I hope to answer in therapy, but, again, I fear there are no answers.  As I write this, I feel myself sliding down into Demi-girl, though the happiness remains.  There is still a touch of optimism, and I still feel right.

Feeling right.  This is all that Transgender people want.  To feel right.  To feel comfortable in their own skin.  To be the person that their brain is screaming they should be.  To be who they ARE.  To be who we are.  To be who I am.  And that is all I want.  I just want to be me.  God bless