Friday, July 28, 2017

An interesting day

Today is a bit interesting.  I have been wanting to transition for the past few days, but it is not accompanied by any of the normal psychological issues that occur when I feel this way.  I am not Dysphoric.  I am not depressed.  I am actually in a very good mood.

I am wondering if I am finally figuring out who I am.  What if this is what I have always wanted, and now I am finally ready to accept it?  Are the days when I don't want to transition, only my false self struggling to regain control?

I am going to start a group therapy program for Trans individuals, and I am looking forward to being around people who are like me.  I am hoping that this will finally allow me to work out what I am going through.  It will also be nice to know that I am not the only one going through this.  It is rather lonely when you are not around those who know and understand what you are going through.

I'm imagining myself the way that I want to be.  I want to express who I am, and to have people recognize who I am.  I was on the phone today with a lovely person, but when we ended our conversation, she said, "have a great day sir."  Sir.  Nails on a chalk board.  I want to scream to the world that I am not the person they see on the outside, but my true self can't be seen... yet.  I'm hoping soon.

But I fear what will happen once I do.  Will I lose more people?  Will I be attacked?  Will I lose my family forever?  I will probably experience all of this, and yet I am still wanting... needing to express who I really am.  I am not me, and yet I am.  God bless

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