Just need to talk

I have been holding my insulin pen for the past few minutes.  I was ready.  I just needed to jab it into my belly and empty the full container into my system.  I am not sure if that would have done the trick, but I wanted to try.

I am still staring at it longingly.  I feel calm.  I'm not emotional.  The pen seems to be tantalizing and it's calling me to pick her up.  Just keep pushing down the plunger, and then just fade.  No more pain. No more hate.  No more.

I'm not sure what is stopping me.  It is a few feet in front of me, easy to grab.  In a few moments it would be done.

It's quiet.  I hear the faint hum of a car engine in the distance.  What are my last sensations going to be like on earth?  Will I be afraid?  Will I finally be happy?  Will my mind focus on the man I love?  I just want to feel.  I just feel numb.

I'm not going to do it right now, but I feel myself getting closer.  Maybe the next time I hold my pen, I will be ready.

Does that make me feel more happy, or more sad?  Do I even feel anything at all?

My love I'm hanging on for you, I am really trying.  It's funny.  The moment I wrote that, I began to cry.  I can feel again.  I will continue to hang on.  I love you